The Bachelorette and Moral Outrage

Recently I’ve been in a number of discussions with well-educated folks on the topic of reality TV.  At least some of these people have taken these discussions as an opportunity to flex their cringe muscles.  The very mention of the genre induced visceral disgust.  Their humanity and intellect was insulted by the mere existence of such programming.

I’m not really so ashamed to admit that I’m a fan of the Bachelor and Bachelorette and have been for some years now.  I find some of the characters on the show endlessly entertaining.  Some have received my sympathy, some my love, some my hatred, but rarely my indifference.  Certain things about the show grind on me and I’m usually glad to be able to fast forward through commercials, but there’s no doubt that I’m sucked in.  Upon saying this to the cringing intellectuals I receive looks of shock and worse- pity.  How could I possibly be so obtuse? 

In this post I’m not so interested in defending the show.  In fact I’m not sure I could.  If pressed far enough I find it difficult to pinpoint the show’s moral contribution to society. What I have to say about The Bachelor/ette is more descriptive than defensive.  I want to make some observations that illuminate some of the particulars of a rather contentious pop cultural battleground.

I think a discussion of the show has to begin with this question: Is The Bachelorette a competition show? In one sense- yes.  25 men are “competing” for the affections of a single woman (in the current season her name is Ashley).  The men are all structurally provided opportunities to impress her.  They go on a slew of individual and group dates in which they have limited time to show her why they are the man worthy to be sliding an engagement ring on her finger by season’s end.  The men are sly: they give Ashley tidbits about what other guys are like when she’s not around, they ask her to chat while she is already mid-conversation with a competitor, and they work to establish a relationship ASAP knowing that they are on the chopping block.  It’s all quite strategic.  When the show’s host Chris Harrison posts blog entries applauding certain men for “rising to the occasion,” the competitive aspect of the show is made rather explicit.

But what of a man who comes on the show and is strictly interested in winning?  Outrage.  “Winning” the competition is not a morally sufficient reason to be there.  We see this over and over again across seasons.  This season it was the oh-so-handsome Bentley who declared his lack of interest in Ashley immediately upon his arrival to the mansion (playing field?).  Nonetheless he stuck around, convinced Ashley he was “there for the right reasons”, poured on the romance, and totally wooed her.  Having full knowledge of Bentley’s intentions, Harrison tried to warn Ashley but failed- she “followed her heart.”  When eventually she learned the full thrust of his gamesmanship, Ashley was furious that somebody could have taken advantage of her attempt to see the good in people. 

So in some ways there’s an irony: on a competition show Bentley became widely seen as the season’s slimeball villain for being a “player” whose sole interest was competing.  The full thrust of the irony is appreciated when we look at a twitter account which celebrates Bentley for turning the show into a “real competition”.  Presumably in attempt to take jabs at Bentley’s many haters, this tweeter misses the point: if you wanted a real competition, then you’d properly hate Bentley for leaving the show right when it seemed he was in a position to take the game over.  It would be like celebrating Kobe Bryant as a competitor after he walked off the court in the midst of a key playoff game.

So where does this leave us? The men are competing, but they had better be doing more than “merely competing”.  The men should be there to “find love”.  Consider how un-gamelike that is.  People don’t “find baskets” on the basketball court or “find points” on the tennis court.  They actively seek them out.  Well love (or bachelorette’s version of it) works differently.  It should be something that just happens.  It’s a connection that two people “just have” or perhaps- build together.  All the strategy in the world should not contribute.  It’s something that Ashley and her suitors need to find, but NOT play games with.

Therein is the tinge of reality in the show.  What they are competing over (love, marriage, romance) has relevance beyond the boundaries of the competition.  In fact, the whole point of the competition is to end up with a partner who will be with you for the rest of your life… a much more “real” victory than outscoring an opponent 75-70. 

But then we have to ask, what’s real about proposing to a girl after 2+ months?  Even the winner has had what- 8 dates with her?  Spent just two nights together? The clock is ticking on all the relationships and if the men don’t move quickly enough (who can drop the “L-bomb” first!?!) they may find themselves heading home prematurely.  There is also a very intense asymmetry in the relationships.  While Ashley is openly dating multiple guys and constantly comparing them, the men are expected to focus on her alone.  This season, even an off-camera allusion to internet dating sent one guy packing.  So the men are supposed to show faith in the process and put everything into the relationship while Ashley gets to pick which guy’s devotion pleases her most.  We expect more equality and symmetry in our romantic lives.

So the show, like much of reality tv, lies at the cross road of competition and real life.  And why might that be so infuriating?  I’d suggest it offends people because they see it as a cheapening of real life, real love, and real marriage.  If love can be found on a game show, then what does that say about the viewer’s own relationships or marriage? 

But people can’t just hate it because it’s a stupid or unrealistic concept.  Sponge Bob Square Pants depicts a sponge and a lobster living together at the bottom of the sea and that show receives no such moral vitriol.  I think people see pieces of themselves in the show- pieces they’d rather not confront.  The truth is that all relationships are built up with some competitive and game-like sensibilities.  Don’t return the text message or phone call too fast, lest you seem desperate.  If you’ve done the inviting three times in a row, you wait for her/him to invite you to the next event.  You hint at your feelings or desires without coming right out with it.  A whole genre of dating-self-help literature has built up around these kinds of strategies.

All the little cat-and-mouse maneuvers are perhaps part of the fun of dating.   But people are often morally attached to an honest, upfront, and forthcoming version of their relationship self: “I don’t play games”.  So when The Bachelorette takes those gamey elements and magnifies them, adds a competitive structure, rules of play, and strict time limits, people are forced to confront versions of themselves they’d rather not look at.